She sat at the edge of the bed. White summer dress with yellow flowers draped around her ankles. 

He rested his head on the wall next to the window, perched casually on the edge of the windowsill.

“You have to give me more’ she repeated, staring intently at him. He shrank under her piercing acorn brown gaze.

“I don’t know what more to give. I don’t understand what you want.”

She stared at him, then down at her hands, picking at the skin around her nail bed. Maybe it was her after all. Maybe her expectations…

When love begins to hurt this much, she thought to herself, it is best to walk away so you can breathe a bit better. 

“I’m tired of this conversation. I’m…”

He interjected, “Me too. Can we please call a truce?”

She smiled wryly. “You can’t always escape emotion and feeling. As I was saying, I’m tired. Of chasing you. Of telling you I need to be part of your life. Of wanting…”

Tears welled up in her eyes. Her thoughts choking her. She stood up, grabbing her bag from the study directly in front of her, and tore out the door.

“E!” 

He was chasing after her. She said a hasty goodbye to his mom, out the apartment door, pelting the elevator button, and down the 17 stories to her relief.

“E!!! Stop!” 

She whipped around, he was practically behind her. She stopped dead in her tracks, now overcome with all the suppressed rage and anger, tears streaming down her face. 

“Please. Let me go. Please’ she pleaded.

He stood there, still confused. Not understanding. “Can’t we just be friends?  Can’t it keep going the way it has?”

She shook her head, no. Retreated, turned around, and walked as fast as possible down the stairs through the lawn. One flight, two, then another…until she had reached the main road. She paused, heart and breath racing, and crossed through the pedestrian crossing towards the park. There lay the ocean, just beyond the car park and the tall palm trees, her salvation.

She raced to the gray black rocks by the water, finally alone. She put her head in get knees and finally let out a howl. Pain, dejection, hurt. 

The feeling of not being chosen by the one you love. Of having to plead for something that felt only natural but could never be yours. The most painful reality that she, nor anybody, had control over.

When she finally lifted her head to catch a breath, she was startled to see him sitting across from her. He too was perched on the rocks. Not sure for how long.

There sun had started to go down, bathing everything in a golden mist tinged with pink. 

She is beautiful, he thought to himself. But that’s where it ends.

She looked out at the water, terrified to catch his eye. Just sitting in silence, but she knew it was probably one of the last times they would ever sit here like this. So many memories haunting these rocks, laughing as they flicked pebbles on the water, sharing an inside joke and falling over themselves in joy, sharing chips and ice cream and secrets and crushes. Where had time gone? Why was he everything to her, yet nothing at all? 

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m not ok with breadcrumbs”

“E, I …”

“Please. Let me finish. I’m done. If you’ve chosen her then so be it. We are done. I need to learn to move on, for myself.” She steeled her gaze, gripping her arms as tightly as she could.

He sat there stunned. Twilight around them. Container ships dotting the horizon. The soft whoosh of the cars barely perceptible through the swishing of the palm tree leaves. Breezy fall wind sweeping across the island, the ocean, and two lost friends at the edge of an ending. 

“I guess, there’s nothing more I can say. Take care of yourself E. Get home soon, it’s getting dark”

He reached for a hug but she instinctively recoiled. He stared at her, wounded. Her insides screaming at him, stay here, don’t leave.

He got up slowly, looking into her eyes one last time, and turned to walk away.

She watched him disappear into the dark, his black tshirt melting into the evening, the slow shuffle of his footsteps fading.

She lay back on the rocks, sobbing. Tears streaming down in mascara rivulets on her face, her insides coiling and uncoiling. The storm was coming in. Thunder rolling through the sky, through her heart.

At a distance, he watched her silently. 

……………

How else do I capture how I feel?